I will sing of your strength in the morning. Psalms 59:15

One of my coworkers recently quit after a minor tiff with the management, it was too bad really. He was a nice guy, with some interesting, but entirely false stories. In keeping with his standing as my favourite co-worker he quit in a way that wasn't quite what you would expect from a 68 year old, 2 time retiree. Apparently just before leaving, he subscribed to one of those daily text messaging services, this one with a daily bible verse, on every single one of the company phones. Frankly I'm jealous, everything I had planned for my last day pales in comparison to the fact that we will now receive daily affirmations of our faith in the lord, and it will cost the company money. I was just going to pee in the coffee filter or maybe release a rat in my bosses office, but those things don't seem quite good enough anymore. The notch has been kicked up so to speak, so here's my new idea: I pee on a rat, wrap it in papier machet made entirely out of the bible and using my semen as the adhesive, and then I leave it in the coffee room.
Good right?

The sad truth

Spring is here

God bless, unfurl the banners and alert the trumpeteers for I declare the most righteous of all seasons has arrived at last. Run naked through the streets and fornicate with all you see for the horniest of times have arrived.
Seriously, seems like this time of year everyone is casting off the shackles of winter clothing and dressing in combinations that would make the Victoria Secret summer catalogue blush. God bless, it's not even warm enough for some of these awesome little outfits. But it seems that as soon as humanity is able they will push then limits the fuck those limits sideways. The temperature barely peeks above the edge of the melting point and these brave women throw their legs, chests and midsections onto the mercy of the elements.
Good times are had by all, walking through the park today I even saw some scrawny goth cast off his full trench coat and parasol and engage in an impromptu chorus line with woodland critters. I challenge anyone to be in a bad mood when you can see the sun after 6 months of darkness and freezing rain. It's like we've just walked out of the apocalypse into the most wonderful day. The children's cancer ward is filled with laughter on days like these. And if not, cheer up baldy, it's springtime.

Irrational Fear No. 1

Everyone around me is a robot and I am their perverse science experiment.
I worry that I am giving less than satisfactory results.

It Is In You To Give

As a first time blood donor I don't want to jump into any assumptions about the process, I'll leave that to sceptics and doctors and such, but I'm pretty sure that the day after you donate blood, you become some sort of superhuman booze-tank. The craziness of this will no doubt enter into my mind tomorrow once the effects of my new best friend wear off, but for the mean time I will wax poetic about the merits of saving lives and getting hammered.
When I set out on this journey of self discovery, I was hesitant and wary of the consequences, carefully testing myself against wine coolers and margaritas. A breakfast buffet to prepare myself for the smorgasbord to come. However, I found myself unimpressed by the effects of being minus 555 ml of blood and plus half a litre of passion fruit flavoured sodahol. In the place of the alcohol poisoning I had promised myself I found only the hollowness that flavoured waters will always leave me with.
I soon downed 3 glasses of wine, in an attempt to push myself past the brink of what I assumed a reasonable person would try in this situation. Alas, it was to no avail, my stomach remained unturned and my thirst unquenched. Soon enough I found the British coming to my aid with the delightful fruit of the Newcastle Brewery. After several run-ins with this delightful potion I decided that either it was magic, or my charitable deed of saving 3 people's lives had given me some sort of karmic imbalance. I dismissed this theory upon returning home to find that Scarlett Johansson was, once again, not naked in my bed. But who am I to say that heightened tolerance is a less fitting reward for saving 3 seperate lives than finding ones hollywood crush in ones bed. No one, that's who.

One day Scarlett, one day.
Now, I do not allow myself the delusion that I am some sort of alcohol sponsored god, in fact I am better known for vomiting up my weight than I am for holding my liquor. I believe this makes this all the more impressive, that or I need to be declared supreme drinkmaster of Bloodtown.
I've always assumed that losing a pint of blood would make you more susceptible to the hideous monsters which constantly batter your subconscious mind, but my comrade Newcastle and his 237 years of brewing history insist that this is quite the opposite of the truth. Instead of taking away sanity, the combination of blood loss and delicious ancient ales heighten both your senses and your social prowess.
Every prostitute legitimately wants you for you, passers by are begging not for smokes and change, but for a chance to be addressed by the greatness that is your soon to be comatose mind. Carlos Mencia is insightful and risqué, rather than just being insufferable and kind of a fatty.
You are the Cortez to this new world of drunken social conquest. So I beg of you, bold adventurer, burn your boats, slay your deserters, explore the world that is this glorious vision of your own mind, and, if you are lucky, you shall live through the night.
If not, there is always more blood to go around.

A Simple Scheme

One day, one glorious blessed day I will see Pierre Bouvier, more commonly known as the lead singer of Simple Plan, in a mall or grocery store or stadium. And on that holiest of days, I will approach him with all the fealty of a devoted fan, go in for a handshake, and then, just as he's simultaeneously raising his hand and lowering his guard, I will deliver unto him the greatest amount of pain one can dole out with a powerful sock to the stomach.

Then what? I don't know. What I do know is my days will be filled with too much vigorous arm pumping and high five collecting to feel any emotion but joy.

follow me, for I am deliverance.